One Less

Did you know there are still people in the world who have never been to Panera Bread? I once believed that, with the current ratio of people to Paneras, this was a statistical near-impossibility. Surely, with no less than four Panera Bread restaurants within a two mile radius of my workplace, there can be no such thing as a Panera Newbie. My recent lunch experience has taught me otherwise:

12:15. (15 minutes left of my lunch break) I park my car at Panera Bread, excited to snag a spot close to the door. I feel pretty good about my odds of getting a bagel and cream cheese to go with plenty of time to spare.

12:15 and 30 seconds. I head over to the bakery, where two people are standing in line: a young lady and her boyfriend/date/companion/whatever. Perfect. I will be in and out in no time.

12:16. I scan the bakery window. I decide on a blueberry bagel with raspberry cream cheese.

12:17. I notice that the young man in front of me has finished ordering and is waiting for his girlfriend/date/companion/whatever. The young lady wants a sandwich. Only bakery items are listed on the bakery menu, so the lady behind the register gives her a sandwich menu.

12:18. The young lady asks the Panera worker for sandwich suggestions. The worker gives her a few ideas. The young lady studies the menu. The young man glances in my direction. I look at my watch. I still feel pretty good, as work is less than five minutes from the restaurant.

12:19. The young lady wants to know the difference between two sauces. The worker walks over to the sandwich counter to get samples.

12:21. The worker brings back the sauces and the girl declares that she doesn’t like either of them. I look at my watch. If I don’t get my bagel in exactly four minutes, I will be late.

12:22. The young lady selects a sandwich. She asks her boyfriend/date/companion/whatever if she should choose an apple, chips, or bread for her side item. He looks as if he could care less. I glance compulsively at my watch every 20 seconds, as if time will stand still by my mere effort. I grudgingly accept the fact that I will be late.

12:24. The young lady decides on chips. She is now faced with a beverage choice. The possibilities seem to overwhelm her. I tap my foot on the floor, the last of my patience failing.

12:26. The worker lists all café drinks, their ingredients, and how they are prepared. The young lady chooses lemonade.

12:27. The worker totals the lunch: $16.45. The young lady looks up at the young man. “Shoot. $16. Are you kidding me?” The young man shrugs and pulls out a twenty. He pays the worker. The young lady continues to marvel over the cost of lunch.

12:28. I order. I get my bagel and cream cheese and pay. My order takes less than 60 seconds.

12:30. I head back to work at the time when I should be at work. I attempt to comfort myself by the thought that there is now one less Panera Newbie in the world. To that young lady, I would like to say: Welcome to a world where you can get hopped up on caffeine, fattened on pastries, and robbed by salads and sandwiches you can make at home for half the cost. May you be fortunate enough to one day break in your own Panera Newbie.

Oh, and to God: You can stop laughing now. I’ll never ask you to teach me patience again.